MWF seeking Solace

Today is one of those days...I just want to walk out the door & down the street and away from my kids.  This is one of those days us parents are ashamed to admit we have.  We like to show you how adorable & charming & well-behaved our children are, so we don't want to admit that some days we feel like complete failures as parents, as people. 

I don't want to tell you that I've raised my voice too many times today.  I don't want to admit that I've had to walk out to the backyard and inhale the sunshiney afternoon deeply just to try to calm myself down.  I don't want to admit that part of my challenge is my own temperament and desire for the day to look or feel different.  I don't want to tell you that I WISH there was a manual about how to raise & discipline MY children with proven methods that worked, because I'd read it and use them in a heartbeat.  I don't want to admit that trial & error & continuing to try with patience & love is NOT my strong suit, and sometimes I flat out do not want to do it...and sometimes I just fail to be able to altogether.  As much as I resist (and resent) anyone else deciding what's right for me & my kids, some days all I want to do is defer to the "real" expert, whoever that is. 

Some days I want to pack them in the car & drive to as many homes of friends & family as is necessary to find someone willing to take them off my hands for an hour, or three, or the day, or three days.

Even as I'm writing this I find myself self-editing and wanting to soften the things I'm saying.  Even as I try simply to calm myself down by typing and getting some of my frustration out, my body is clenched and the adrenaline is pumping.  My nostrils flare with every thump I hear from the upstairs bedroom where my 3 1/2 year old is waiting for his daddy to come home.  My desire to relax with an adult beverage is thwarted by my frustration and sense of cursed responsibility.  I know I don't need to be angry and under the influence of alcohol - ever - but especially when I'm home alone with my kids.

Even though they are the cause of such trial, as today, they are still the presence of grace in the moment and the simple fact of their existence - the paradox they are - keeps me more calm & sane than I would be on my own.

Go figure.  Now if you'll excuse me, the big one is refusing to "stay" punished to his room, and the little one is dumping his water all over the place & splattering it.  Sigh. 

I'm hopelessly underqualified for this job, but I can't quit, and my "bosses" won't fire me till they're at least pre-teens.  Some days the future seems far too far away.  I could use a raise though.